Something over the past few days has been eating away at me and surfacing... not because it was never there until now, but because I believe God is opening up my wounds that I have hidden deep down in my heart ever since I was a child. Thus as an attempt to further my walk with Christ by forgiving my past hurts. And my wound is my dad. I am so blessed that he has given so much to give me the "material" in life and always said 'i love you'.
Yet I want so badly for him to just take time out of his life to want me, to go out of his way to be apart of my life. All he ever does is say "hey son, whats up?" and i say "nothing, im good, im tired, etc." and thats are relationship. That is all. I am so heart broken that my father is like this, that he doesn't even make an attempt to want me...
Ever since the age of 10 my dad has shut off inside, call it going into his own bubble or plainly becoming passive. Either way I needed him. I recently read a book, Wild At Heart, and in the novel one learns of the longing in every man's soul for his father's masculinity to be bestowed upon him. Every boy need a father figure to say "Yes son, you are strong... you have what it takes to be a man." My dad never really said that or hinted that to me. Thus my wound began.
And what rooted from that was my feeling of my parents never accepting me no matter how successful I am; whatever I do will never be enough. I believe one piece of information really struck home with me last night, I can't share it here because I believe it is too personal but I have learned that my father has been doing something the past 20 years that he has never told me about... something he taught me always not to do yet he does it himself. I can't believe it.
So what do I do? When I got in my car last night before I left to go rehearse a show I started crying. I couldn't take it anymore, all this pain I have been feeling let go. Tired, lonely, broken... it gave up. I love my dad and hope the best for him, but all I really can do now is pray for him. I can't deal with it anymore.
Most of all? I have a Father, a true one... right here regarless of what my earthly father does or say. Thank you Lord.
Zach, I understand and I relate.
ReplyDeleteThis same situation occurs in a woman's life also, we look to our fathers to recieve love and acceptance and the knowledge that we are worth loving, otherwise, it can lead to a woman feeling unworthy or unspecial.
My father, as I am sure you know, hasn't been extremely open about how he feels about me. I don't get what I need from him, what I need so badly to hear: that I am worthy of being of loved.
But Zach, you are so right! Christ, God Almighty is our perfect father! He will NEVER fail us! Everyday he screams out, "I love you, I love you, I love you! I think you are beautiful! I found you worth dieing for! I want to spend time with you and tell you over and over how much I care, enjoy, and desire your friendship and your love!"
How blessed are we that a Creator would care so deeply for His creation? What more could we ask for? Zach, don't listen to the voice that tells you that you don't have what it takes. Christ becomes you, Christ gives you the strength, He gives you the power to take on anything, to live a life worthy of His sacrifice! Apart from Him, we are worthless!
He makes us worthy!
Bless His name for that!
Thanks Emmie :] You are right, we do have what it takes because God has taken us in as His children. And we are! How incredible is that! In all this broken world the Lord has come to save us! We are so blessed to even be in His presence. Thank you Emmie!
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